Today's Phonecall...

I had a phone call today that I want to remember for a really long time... like forever.

The call came from a dear friend whom I've known for practically my whole life and it was profound. It broke me on a very deep level. I hope it continues to do so.

My friend was adopted as a young child after experiencing all kinds of unspeakable abuse. She carried the effects, emotional, mental and physical, of those abuses on into her new life and still has a suitcase full of them.  She blames no one else for her decisions in the years that followed, but when it comes to reaping what is sown, she harvested a bumper crop as an adolescent and young adult.

Eventually, she found herself in prison.  The nature of the charges is of no matter... Imagine what you will, for it won't likely be of any significant difference from reality.

As you may suspect, traveling down this road left my friend with fewer and fewer people by her side as time went by. Some relationships changed, but most just disappeared.

I can't explain it, except to say that it is to no credit of my own... perhaps just dumb luck, but for whatever reason, I never let go of the relationship with my friend. There were plenty of times when I didn't know or just lost track of the details, but I was pretty well aware of all the things going on with her over the years. I knew about the drugs, the nights in the hotels, the pregnancies, and lots of other things... I also knew what was being said. I knew about the people who gave up. I don't blame them.  There was a mountain of experience that showed, time and time again, no matter what the current big news was about how she was getting things together, inevitably she would just fall apart again. At times, I really found myself wanting to give up, too. I didn't...not because of some big moral fortitude, the much more likely cause is just plain naiveté, but I didn't give up, even though, sometimes, I hated myself for it.

When people invest money and get burned, it's a no-brainer to cash out before things get worse, or, at least, to determine not to make the same mistake again. When we invest in people...with our time and our emotions...and we get burned, it's 1,000 times worse. It hurts. It's natural and completely understandable to guard yourself against feeling that pain again. We stop talking. We deny past relationships. We build walls, and those walls last a long time. They keep others from knowing what's going on. It's their whole purpose, but the trouble is they cover up the bad and the good, equally.

The truth is, it's been years since my friend has had any trouble with the law. She still carries her scars, quite literally, but she's clean. Best of all, she knows that being clean takes a lot more than her own will-power.  She's not clean because she is no longer tempted by anything, quite the contrary. She's learned what sets her off and she's put things in place in her life to keep her out of things that are bad news for her, but she attributes everything she's gained in her battle against her demons to God... or the "higher power" they tell you about in AA meetings, if you wanna be more PC about it. It's likely that she prays more than just about anyone I know. She knows the goodness and love of God in ways that I'll never understand because she's experienced the evil and hate of satan in ways that I could never imagine.

She's now living a fair piece from anywhere she once called home (just another safety to keep her out of old patterns of behavior). She's working a solid job, has health insurance and a 501k. She's a bit giddy because she's looking to own a vehicle in the next couple of weeks for only the second time in her life. She has a savings account. She's putting clothes on her kids' backs with the money she makes.  If that's not enough, she was also telling me about the people she's staying with, about how they have no beliefs in God and the little girls who live in the house said that, until she read it to them this past Christmas, they had never heard about Jesus' birth. She's been the one to tell these girls about God providing for our needs and helping them understand that every bite of food they put in their mouths comes from Jehovah Jireh.  The girls made everyone stop before eating a couple of nights ago because they "have to pray first." One of the adults in the house has even started asking for my friends prayers when people or circumstances seem unwell.. Seems like the only sucky thing in her life right now is that she has practically no one around, with whom she can rejoice.

Many have said that the ones we love the most are the ones we hurt the worst... I don't know about that one for sure, but the ones we love the most certainly hold the most power to hurt us. Under the circumstances, we'd all pretty well agree that it's a given for friends and acquaintances to be long gone...maybe some distant family have checked out, but surely the core is still intact. There's always going to be someone there for you in your family.

Nope.

This phone call didn't give me any big new information about my friend. I knew better than 90% of the things she talked about, already. But the thing that got me was when she talked about what she wanted for her birthday...a scrapbook. She wants pictures of people she used to know so that she can make her own family tree. In her words,

         "I'm XX years old and I don't have a family...I want a family."

She went on to explain that there were some exceptions to her statement, but that in comparison to what she could have had or, arguably, should have had, she often feels very alone. She told of invitations that went unanswered, other ways that she had, however tentatively so, taken initial steps to reach out to those whom she had burned. She even recalled the time that one extended grace and confessed that "Everyone deserves a second chance." and reflected on the hope she had in that moment, that perhaps her world was nearing the precipice of being reconciled...a hope that has faded as the years have gone by.

God doesn't call His children to be ignorant lemmings who go about their days "helping other people" without taking any regard to the ramifications of their assistance. I don't believe God has called us to be push-overs... not your steppin' stone, so to speak, but all things in moderation. It's one thing to keep someone at arm's length to prevent injury to you or your family and protect another from that guilt. It's another thing, entirely, to push someone away to such great distances that, if/when they were to right their course, you're too far away to even have the ability to know. In those cases, suddenly, the tables turn and we're no longer protecting anyone we love, but, rather, we find ourselves to be the one's committing the injury, leaving the prodigal son no one with whom to share the fatted calf.  Ananias was all but certain that he was to meet his death upon meeting Saul of Tarsus, but instead he shared in a great joy that would be for all the ages.

I don't claim to have kept this balance perfectly all of my days, but I feel it's good to try. I certainly don't stand in judgement over anyone who has ever decided to exclude another from his/her life...everyone's circumstances are different and I'm not God (for which, we are all thankful).

What about you? Do you think there's something to this? Have you ever encountered a similar situation? Been the one pushing others away? Been the one who was pushed? I'll admit that I wrote this all at once, as much as a matter of my own reflection and record as anything else, so perhaps my reasonings are flawed here and there, but I got a bomb dropped on me today...and it just might change the way I do some things if it means that I can do a better job of showing people who God really is.